Moving to Canada many decades ago & not allowed to practice my chosen profession of medicine, I was unemployed – and worse still, unemployable.
Business after business succeeded for a while and then failed, which drove me to the depths of depression & dark despair. Suicidal thoughts filled my mind & drove me to the very edge. It was my wife who forced me to seek medical help – & while drugs did allay some symptoms, the depression did not leave me.
I remembered how even as a child & a teen I suffered from an unrecognized depression – a condition which no one realized I had. Later, sports & physical activities filled my life & the depression somehow got a little better.
But in Canada, where I was more preoccupied with survival, that ceased to be an option. So I began meditating & writing down my thoughts in words that seemed to flow from somewhere. This & future books were the result. The poem below expresses perfectly, the darkness I felt at the time.
And so ‘tis past the twilight of my time.
This weary frame it longs for sleep and then
Eternal Rest do I long to find,
To sleep, to sleep & waken ne’er again.
Though skies be dark the stars they shine so true,
And beckon with a light not seen by day,
As I slip off this tattered cloak of life,
Lay bare my heart, my soul, now this I pray:
May this slumber be the last of all.
May these tired bones find the rest they need.
And when the eye of God upon my visage falls,
No more may I the call of sunrise heed.
I now snuff out the candle of my life
And choose, yea choose to vanish in yon void.
The dark it beckons heavy lids to close,
This time O’ God, now let me be destroyed.
There is no darkness where I choose to go,
Nor even light – and oh, how odd!
Just myself – this soul without a name,
At journey’s end, to touch the face of God.
May all beings be free of suffering and the root of all suffering.
May all beings enjoy happiness and the root of true happiness.